November 20, 2009
By SHELDON MCCRAYSTEIN
Kansas City, MO–
In an announcement Friday, noted Hemingway biographer and researcher, Matthew Buccoli, confirmed that several “personal items” found in a Kansas City apartment building once belonged to the Nobel Prize winning author. Buccoli said the items were found in an Armour Boulevard apartment that a young Ernest Hemingway rented while working as a cub reporter for the Kansas City Star newspaper.
“The collection of—ahem—exotic, erotic paraphernalia was found by a tenant who now lives in the apartment,” said Mr. Buccoli. “While installing a new heating duct, the tenant found a small box hidden in the base of a wall. Intrigued, he opened the box and found several beautifully handcrafted sexual ornaments; ornaments I would describe as Oriental in nature,” he said.
Buccoli hypothesized that Hemingway came across the items while visiting local opium dens, known to dot the city’s more perverse areas during Hemingway’s time in Kansas City. “As a reporter covering the local police beat, Hemingway would have been no stranger to such places, having done stories on the seedy underbelly of Kansas City,” said Buccoli.
DNA tests on semen found on a deck of nude playing cards confirm that Hemingway had ejaculated on at least seven of the cards. According to sources, tests on the anal beads were inconclusive.
“We found some fossilized fecal matter on a set of carved jade beads—to be exact, we found matter on 4 of the 12 beads—but don’t yet know, and may never know, if Mr. Hemingway or another individual actually inserted the beads into his anal cavity,” said Dr. Patel Gounish, Director of Laboratory Investigations at the University of Missouri Kansas City.
Dr. Gounish theorized that whoever used the beads must be a “big guy” because the usual number of beads on a standard anal bead set usually number between 4 and 8. “Whoever used these bad boys had an insatiable capacity for life,” said Gounish. “Which, if you look at the myth, the legend of Mr. Hemingway, his whole life was taking in as much as he could: exotic locales, food, drink, women…anal beads.”